Dear second half…

Dear second half,

I call you my second half because you hurt when I hurt, you smile when I smile, and everything I go through I no longer go through alone. After the whole day we’ve had where you’ve cheered me up, made sure I was speaking about what I was feeling, and supported me during my dark moments, I am still awake at three in the morning with you by my side feeling empty. I look at you, all your perfect imperfections, the twinkle on your nose, your messy stubble, your perfectly shaped brows and your long eyelashes. I run my fingers through your hair and you twitch but remain asleep. I feel so lucky to have you, so blessed that I managed to find somebody like you to spend the rest of my life with. Yet, despite how happy you make me and how grateful I am for you, while I lay awake here this late, I am still finding every reason to be sad. Not regarding you, not regarding our future, not regarding my friends, to be honest I don’t even have a reason. I just feel this sense of darkness clouding over me. I feel like if I tell you, you will be disappointed in me, or you will blame yourself for not trying hard enough. I want you to understand that it’s not you. My bad days aren’t dependent on whether you have helped or not. Sometimes, it is entirely out of my control. I know you try your hardest, and at times it does work, but there’s this black hole in my mind that will continue to fight against us, or continue to consume my thoughts when I try to be happy. On the days where we go out and I am clearly not 100% there, I don’t want you to blame yourself. You don’t bore me, I’m not tired of you, I simply can’t stop myself from thinking. These bad times do not define our relationship, I know they don’t, but that evil part of my mind tries to convince me that one day you may not be able to put up with it anymore. I fight against the negative thoughts because I know they’re trying to inflict more fear on me, and I know that no matter what I go through you will always be by my side, that is why I wanted to show you how grateful I am for you. I write you this letter because the last couple of months have been all about me, but I don’t want you to think I’m still not caring for you or thinking of you. In fact, I know this may be just as hard on you as it is on me. I can’t imagine you coming up to me and crying, telling me you don’t feel worthy of living anymore. I can’t imagine how traumatised I would be out of fear of losing you. You have kept it together, even though I know you still have your struggling days, or the days where you just can’t seem to shake away the thoughts that I am not coping. I want to give you credit because I know I have been dependent on you, and you have sacrificed so many things in your daily routine to make sure I was getting the support I needed. You have been my rock through the most difficult times and I know I will repay the favour to you if the unfortunate time ever does occur and you need it returned. My mind plays tricks on me the most when we’re together, and at first this haunted me, but now I realise that this is because with you is when I am the happiest. I am so lucky that you are aware of the signs that I am not being in the present, and I am so lucky that you help to snap me out of it. I truly feel like I am being tested in life and you have been sent as a cheat sheet to help guide me into the right direction. The only difference is, that when I pass this test – which I know I will – I will not throw you out or forget about you, I will treasure you, I will be forever in your debt, I will appreciate you for all you have done for me, I will praise you to the world for being such an incredible partner, I will be there for you and protect you during your times of need, that’s a promise.

My dear second half, I owe you the whole entire world. You have been the glimmer of light during a very dark and difficult time, you have been the pillar in our whole relationship, and not once have you asked for credit or praise, and this is why I give this to you, because you deserve it.

I love you always,

Your second half.

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